Women’s Day

Women’s Day

CRI organised a Women’s Day today and it was a beautiful day and there were at least 70 women out there today- something like 7 8s and 2 quads, if I’m not wrong. Just massive and exciting. When I signed up to participate, I also indicated that I would like to share my story- I wrote that I am the first Singaporean rower to qualify for the Olympic Games, that it was a long, arduous journey that I went through but I made it at the end of the day, you know, the usual story Singaporeans would have heard a million times already. The problem was that, I wouldn’t think it was exciting. I thought I didn’t deserve to be speaking. So I didn’t prepared for it and even told the organiser that I don’t know if I want to do it.

I don’t know what made me think that my story isn’t amazing. Maybe because in Boston, I am surrounded by over-achievers, people who are working a full-time job, earning a lot of money, have a PhD behind their names and yet multiple times Olympian and medal winner on top of all of that. To be honest, I am just a mere Olympian who barely made it. I was 7th in Asia and I took the last spot to qualify for the Games. Maybe because back in Singapore, everyone has heard of my story and are tired of it. They want a new face they want another inspiring story. I feel like a one-hit wonder. I feel like I’m a past. And here in Boston, I feel that whenever I tell someone I’m an Olympian, they ask me whether I won a medal and I don’t know why that mattered and maybe that’s why I don’t tell people that I’m an Olympian. I don’t know. My mind is just so messed up right now.

It was my teammates from the comp women team who told me that I should tell my story. Why do I not see what others see in me? Why am I so low in self-confidence? What happened to me? It is strange sitting here writing this, asking these questions to myself. I used to not be afraid of telling the world that I wanted to go to the Olympics. I was announcing my dream to the world, wearing the necklace around my neck even if I haven’t been there yet. I wasn’t afraid of what people might think. I wasn’t full of myself but I believed in myself.

Now that I’ve achieved my goal, why is it so hard for me to tell others that I am an Olympian? Ross thinks that I need to leverage on that and that should be the first thing I say. Why do I feel as though it is not that important? It was all I wanted for the past 10 years in my life. Now, it feels like it isn’t really that important. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Maybe Ross is right. Maybe I do need therapy. I mean, if I really want to be a sport psychologist one day, I need to know what my patients are going through. Some of them may be in denial (like me). It’s not a priority considering I have exams and school and coaching and wedding plans in my head right now but I just thought it was a wasted opportunity to “sell myself” and my message to the amazing ladies at the event earlier today.

There’s a lot that I can do for the community here and if I don’t see the value that I can add, I won’t ever be able to create an impact. And if I don’t create an impact and make the world a better place, what’s the point of living? HAHA, I know it’s super intense but doesn’t every one have crazy goals like that? There’s a lot that I need to work on myself. Not everyone is comfortable with saying this but I need therapy. I need help. I really want to be the confident Aisyah who I was when I was out there on the water. This will be my goal for the rest of the year. To find myself again. And like REALLY DIG DEEP and find Aisyah.


No Comments

Post A Comment