02 Dec REFOCUS v2.
I feel that I need a fresh start in my life.
I mean, I’m done with rowing (for now), although it is still very hard for me to publicly say that I have retired because I don’t think I have been able to and still cant come to terms with that. I just don’t like the word “retirement” because it makes me sound old and saggy. Let’s just say, I’ve decided to extend my break from rowing for an indefinite period. I can be strong and independent like that but when it comes to rowing, I don’t know. My heart just tears into a million tiny pieces in a heartbeat when I think about it. Parting ways with rowing is like separating from a long-term boyfriend whom I was madly in love with, given up my life for but had to let go because, because we both simply grew out of love. It reached that stage when there is just emptiness between us. Nothing more than just an empty space that needed to be replaced by something else, someone else. Whatever else but rowing.
So here I am, done with my GRE, but still squeezing the crap out of my brain juices having to craft up these personal statements, selling my life away to these schools which are going to suck in all the money that I have saved up for my “future”. I can’t wait to take up my Masters but there is this period between now and till school starts, there is so many unknowns that there is just no more capacity for the “worry” room in my head to worry about them!
Ross always reminds me not to live life with fear. No “what if”s. Sometimes you just have to let go and trust the process. (All these “living life” and “letting go” and “trusting the process” make training for the Olympics seem like a piece of cake.)
Each day when I wake up without having to rush to work, no deadlines to meet, no training to attend, these days when I wake up having to answer to absolutely no-one, having the ridiculous luxury to plan my own day, these are the days that I will need to treasure, hold so close, remember every moment when I sit on the sofa at home in the middle of the day with the Playstation controller in my hand, these are the days that will be gone soon. So I’m taking one day at a time, taking all the time I need to smell the roses, read every book I can possibly get my hands on, do all the shit I will never get to do once school starts, or work starts, whenever real life starts (whatever “real life” means).
I have it all planned out in my head at the start of the year. Who I’ll be with, where I’ll be, what I’ll be doing. But where I am now has made me realise that we can plan all we want but when things happen, sometimes you just have to go with the flow. I never thought I’d be in the US in the middle of winter, I’d never imagined myself to be engaged in 2018, I can count the number of times I’ve sat on a boat for this year, there’s just so many crazy things I never thought would happen, happened!
I just thought I’m going to put it out that that my life is about to go through a fresh start. Here’s me officially turning the pages in my book and writing a new chapter. I’m excited (I’m always excited) for what is to come. I can’t wait to see what life has to offer. I’m going to blog more about life beyond sports. I’ll still probably going to talk about rowing every now and then because there are just some things in life that sticks with you wherever you go. I also have dreams to make rowing a legit sport in Singapore one day, you wait. I’m still definitely an athlete at heart. I still train like a dog, I still love the idea of keeping fit, being strong, I’d wanna crush some dreams one day when I compete again, I crave to win medals again, stand on the podium knowing that I deserve to be there. Sports will still live in me but there’s also a part of my life that I want to share with you guys that doesn’t involve sweating or having to be in your workout gear. This is the part of life that is as important as sports. This is the part of life I have neglected for the past 13 years I was rowing. I knew rowing wasn’t going to let forever but I was so obsessed with rowing that life outside of rowing didn’t matter.
So here’s to me reinventing myself to become so much more awesome that what I already am.