28 Nov The truth.
I don’t often talk about relationships or my personal love life but I think it is time for me to open up.
News is that I just got engaged recently. A month ago to be exact. It is extremely exciting because it is a path that I’ve never taken before in my life. Having someone go down on one knee for me, having to stare down at my hands to see a beautiful diamond ring staring back at me. Just like how the Olympic necklace that I wore everyday reminded me of how much I wanted to be an Olympian, the ring doesn’t remind me of how much I wanted to get married (in fact, I never imagined myself to get married other than to my boat), but it reminds me of how much I am ready to move on to the next chapter in my life.
As you all would have already know, training for the Olympics took up so much of my time that even when I had a boyfriend then, I was more committed to my training than him. Of course I say this with utter regret because those guys I was with were really good people and I would say that I met them at the wrong time. But is there really such a thing as the wrong time? If you met your soulmate at the wrong time, is he even your soulmate to begin with? I’ve been reading articles on this idea about each and every one of us having more than one soulmate in our lives. As much as I don’t like the idea of it, we all know that it could possibly be true. But thing is that when I was training intensively, I was a different person. I think you have to be. There is only one focus in your life and that is your goal and nothing else. Even though I know that there are a few selected individuals out there who are able to balance both being fkg amazing in what they do and on top of them is a great partner or parent, I was definitely not one of them. I dated a few guys, broke hearts of some, often giving my training as a reason why there were failed relationships.
I met Rob before I became an Olympian, in fact when I was at the peak of my training and a few months away from the qualification. At that point, of course I was not ready for any relationship. But having been through a huge struggle in his life, I must say he helped me achieve that Olympic goal, even if we’ve only known each other for 2 months or so. I always feel that that’s the beauty about meeting new people- you never know what they might teach you or what impact will they make in your life.
The reason I mention Rob is because we went through alot together and I know alot of people are wondering what happened to him. Because next thing you know, Ross appeared in my life and now I’m engaged with Ross.
I know I can leave the issue with a “mind your own business” but I feel that telling my story will not only help me move on but who knows that it might possibly help one of you. Who knows.
Rob saw the Aisyah when I was intensively training, he was there at the peak of my rowing career when I qualified and he went through the period when I was struggling with transitioning. Thinking about it now- he has seen me at my best and my worst. He has seen all of it but still wanted to be with me. He was always the nice guy between the two of us. He never picked a fight with me, he often gives in, I just can’t find one thing that he has a flaw in. But when we were talking about taking a step forward with our relationship, I started to ask myself, “is he the one for me?”
I’ve never seen myself as the “marriage” kind of person- if there’s even such a thing. I never daydream about wedding dresses or how my ideal wedding should be. I never envisioned myself sitting on a dais looking back at all these faces staring right at me and my partner, feeling like the exhibition for the day. I never thought I would ever get married and when the topic comes into our conversations, I got excited at first but slowly it started to eat me up because I was consumed by the idea that I need to find the perfect one if he’s going to be the one I’m spending the rest of my life with. Fear and doubt started to creep in my head insidiously. I’ve started asking questions I’ve never asked before. This was the beginning of the end.
It was not the case that I didn’t love him because I knew I did. But I have sown and planted this idea of finding “the one” in my head that I started to nit-pick Rob’s behaviour and attitude. Things I used to be able to deal with suddenly made me angry. We got into fights all the time because I was finding faults in every single little thing I can possibly find. I was an awful, awful partner so much so that my mum told me to be nicer to him. I was mean, but I thought I had to be because I’m on a mission to find “the one”. I need to know that he’s willing to accept me in whatever shape and form I’m in. I cant settle for second best. But the thing is, he was willing to stand by me- whether I was evil or nice. He would never let me walk away. But I still had this question in my head I cannot answer and it annoys the shit out of me. “Is he the one?” I asked everyone around me how do I find out if he’s the one for me. Friends who are single, has a partner, married, just married, married for years, people expecting children, those with children, grandchildren, people with long distance relationships, I asked ALOT of people and of course as expected there was a variety of answers but mostly, the answer was, “you just know.”
But that is the rot of the problem. I don’t know. One friend even pointed out bluntly to me that when I have that question in my head, it already means that he’s not the one.
But is there even such a thing as “the one”?
We had so many plans for the future, we have invested so much on our plans. But because this thought and idea of having “the one” consumed me so much, I bid goodbye to the person who could possibly, according to the articles I read, be my soulmate. I left him because I was obsessed over the trivial idea of “the one”. It must have been really, really hard on him because I dropped the bomb on him all of a sudden. It sounds like it was an easy decision for me to make to walk away but only I will know how hard it was.
But if I didn’t leave Rob, I would never have found Ross. We knew we were going to get married on the second week we were dating. There were a hundred and one odds against us but here we are, engaged, and loving each other as though it’s day one. It feels odd for me to put both names in the same sentence but I told Ross the story with Rob. He knows everything. He may not be able to fathom the depth of what me and Rob really went through but knowing that I broke a guy’s heart because I was so confused (and cruel, I feel) and that he is still willing to propose to me and put a ring on my finger tells me that I don’t have to worry on whether he’s the one or not.
I guess why I’m telling you guys this story is because;
- I’m in love with Ross and I cannot believe I have a friggin ring on my finger.
- I don’t regret leaving Rob because if I didn’t I wouldn’t have found Ross but that doesn’t mean I didn’t loved Rob when I was with him. Letting go can be the hardest thing you will possibly do in your life but sometimes, letting go will lead you to the answer you’ve been looking for all these while.
I will always wish the best the world can give for Rob. May he find his “one” who will treat him better, who will bring out the best in him and who will love me more than I did. (He probably hates the shit out of me right now, spreading nasty stories about how I’m evil and cruel and I left him for another guy, cutting all my photos into tiny pieces and lighting them up in a fire, but I don’t deny that I was mean. I just had to do what’s best for me. I might have started to overthink too much but I guess my gut feeling was right all along.)
3. Trust your heart.