07 Nov Choices and Boston.
It’s fall in Boston and while its getting colder, the foliage here is just gorgeous. Everywhere I go, I remind myself of how lucky I am to be able to witness this beauty. It has been a hard past few months, maybe year or two, although I know my social media posts haven’t been reflecting what I really feel but no-one likes sad, gloomy posts. Everyone wants a positive, uplifting message. So I give them what they want. I have posted some posts in my IG where I tell the truth about my struggle but some people were not happy, thinking that I am only seeking for pity. Sponsors were left uncertain because they cannot have a confused athlete who isn’t competing or being a positive influence to the community as their ambassador. I was sitting on the fence with rowing. I can’t make up my mind on what I was going to do and where I was going. I was so lost and confused. I was scared. So scared I ran away from all my feelings. I went to Sweden to farm, I went to UK to spend time with my ex, I went to Canada to ski because I told myself I wanna see snow before I turn 30, I went to US to coach, I came back to Singapore feeling empty. I lost my boyfriend, I left a life I have planned for which I have spent so much for, I had no job, I had no boat to row on, I almost had nothing left. I went on this journey to find myself again but I came back not only without answers but with more questions I cannot answer. I was lucky to be able to afford all these travels. I am grateful that when I was rowing, after qualifying, I was being paid to row and I saved up alot. But since I left my sport and my job, it is hard to wake up everyday being 30 and not having money coming in. I’ve spent quite a bit travelling in and out of the US but I know that this is going to end soon. I’ll have to make a decision. More decisions. More changes. Sometimes, all I want is certainty, assurance that everything is going to be okay even when it doesn’t feel like it. So, I’m done with sitting on the fence:
- I’m done with rowing for now, but not done with competing because I still want to compete for Singapore. I know I’m not done yet. There are many reasons why I don’t want to row anymore but I must say that most of the reasons are way beyond my control so not wanting to commit myself to daily training is not one of the reasons. To be honest, I would love to commit my life to training everyday. The easiest part of training for the Olympics, is training. The thing that I don’t want to deal with (and probably tired of) starts from the letter p. (People, yes. I cant deal with people, and politics. ooh, I said it. Touchy.)
- I’m done with not knowing where I’ll be. I’m going to be in the US for a while, for lame reasons like I don’t want to do long distance relationship. I don’t want to risk this one anymore. I don’t think I have enough years in my (child-bearing) years to tell myself that “long-distance is hard but we’re gonna make it work” because truth is, it is hard work and it works but I’m just not risking this because you can put in the hard word and unfortunately with relationships, you need two to tango. So to minus this factor of risking a relationship just because two of you need to be on the same ground on how much effort each person puts in and then you go through a phase where one person will think the other is putting in more effort, I decided not to do long-distance anymore. (More on this boy-girl stuff in the next few posts, I promise, this is going to be juicy.)
- I am going to study because I’ve been wanting to do that since I graduated in 2010 so here’s my chance to become who I’m meant to be (other than being a rower/Olympian).