07 Jun Stepping out of that comfort zone
I must admit I’ve been pretty lazy with the video editing and the updating of my blog/website. I know I have to be consistent for them to be successful but I am just plain lazy. Hey, I’m human too! I’m sure I’m allowed to be lazy at somethings in life. I read a book that says that sometimes you lose the drive or the motivation to do things because your basic needs are not met yet and it makes perfect sense. Think Marlow’s Hierarchy of Needs- if you’re worried about work, where you’re going to get your money from to live, where you’re going to live, who’s going to put food on the table, there is no way will I be motivated to think about what am I going to do about my video blog or blog, especially if it is not going to lead to me meeting my basic needs.
Anyway, lazy is lazy. I should stop with the bs and excuses. Haha.
I quit my job on May 14 2018 after working for about 2 months and a half because each day when I come to work, I think about the thousand and one other amazing things that I can do besides sitting on that office chair. I don’t hate my job. I am not frustrated or miserable. But I have always believed in doing things that make me happy. And there is a difference between being happy and being comfortable. And I will always choose happy, even if it means I am not comfortable.
It was a hard decision to make because I actually like my job. I don’t particularly enjoy it and you don’t really get a sense of fulfilment that you can get when you’re actually teaching or coaching when you see your students pass an exam or win a race. I felt that I was getting into a pretty comfortable routine. I wake up at crazy hours, train, rush into work, train again after work, sleep, repeat. I don’t know how people do this for years but that 2 months felt like I was falling into a vicious cycle of misery.
Furthermore, I knew what I wanted to do in the future- to further my studies into sports psychology and/or PE and whatever I am doing is going to get me there.
So there you go, I was a free bird on 14 May and I bought a one-way ticket to the UK (which is a bad idea to buy one way tickets because the guy at the heck in dest at Changi Airport insisted that I show him a return ticket to Singapore which was a bit absurd! But anyway, I went to UK to do a bit of cycling and road tripping around Wales and Taunton and then now am in Vermont, USA, to do some voluntary coaching.
I was actually pretty excited while I was planning for this Vermont trip but on the way to the airport in the UK, I was actually nervous. It’s crazy! I didn’t feel nervous when I went to Philly for 2 months of training. I definitely wasn’t nervous when I handed in my letter of resignation. I was actually scared! There were lots of crazy thoughts in my head like, what if people don’t like me or what if the experience is terrible or what if vermont is a crazy state. I know! The shit you tell yourself!
I had to rent a car from a stranger on this car rental website called turo, which is def way cheaper than your usual car rental companies. I was worried the stranger was creepy and the car was in a bad shape but the guy turned out really nice and the car was fine!
The drive up to Vermont from where I landed in Newark was like 7hours so I had to cut the trip into 2 days because it has been a long time since I drove that long. I stayed for a night in the most random street in Poughkeepsie and went for a run on the Walk over the Hudson bridge the next morning which turned out to be a good run and continued my trip up to Vermont which was REALLY far. Vermont is so far north that I am less than an hour away from Canada, I might have as well flew into Montreal.
Reached here and now am staying in a room with 2 beds but with no roommates so that only means one thing- that the whole crib is a complete mess right now. The summer programme is for adults with a complete range of rowing abilities, from beginners who have never been on a boat before to those who have been rowing longer than I have. What is really interesting is to see these guys come here from all around America (some drove for 12hours to get up here) just to spend a week rowing. Seeing what about rowing that they find fun and what makes them want to do it day in, day out, even though they’re not aiming to be in the national team or compete at the Olympics, reminds me that sports isn’t just about the competition.
So I stepped into a singles for the first time in a very, very long time yesterday and it felt amazing. I rowed for 12km, am really sore this morning but decided to do a head race with the campers. I know I did pretty badly. My technique is awful, I was slow, it was hard, but it made me realise that, maybe I’ll get back into this. I am extremely tired now, I must have pushed really hard. But I used to feel like this almost everyday of my life for the past 10 years or so. Putting my body through such pain early in the morning and having to deal with a tired body for the rest of the day only to do it again the next day. This is what I used to live for.
But then again, the voice inside my head asks, you do this, and then what?
What if you improve your PB by 30s? What if you win a Gold medal for Singapore at the Asian Games? What if you qualified for Tokyo? Of course its a nice feeling. It would be amazing. But I keep having to answer this voice asking me, and then what?
And then, that’s when I stop and ponder over my truest intentions of rowing again. And that’s when I realise, I can’t find a reason to the “and then what”s.