26 Apr The cure for lost souls, confused minds and broken hearts
A prayer. Or two. Or plenty.
You see. I’m getting what I want right now; training full-time, having this opportunity to be in this beautiful country again, living with these 2 amazing people who are kind and generous enough to share their home with me, eating really good food, being able to do what I really love- to row. I have access to the gym anytime I want to. I have the endless coastal runs I long for. I have so many races waiting for me to conquer them. So why do I still wake up feeling like something is missing in my life?
Is it the lack of having a companion? Which I highly doubt so because boys only cause your heart to break, or make you break hearts. Whichever way, I don’t think they are an important factor in your mission toward the Olympics, are they? I don’t know. Who am I to say all these? A princess once told me to chase after your dreams, not boys.
Who can accept a princess who will put training over boys anyway? 🙁
So being in Sydney for the past 3 days have been really hard. Definitely not the part where I get to train twice a day, sleep for 3hrs in the day and 8 hours at night and eat good food. HAHA. But I don’t remember it being this tough when I came here alone last year. I don’t know if I was really enjoying it or was it all a pretence to make me focus on what I was here for. But I didn’t want to leave Sydney then. What kept me wanting to stay? What made me stay for 3 months? Why hasn’t it made me want to stay here any longer now? I really don’t know.
I don’t hate it here. Like I said, I’m living the dream here. This is what I’ve been wanting to do my whole life- be a professional athlete. Noone said it’s gonna be this hard. Maybe I am tired of training alone, being alone all the time. But single scullers are meant to be alone most of the time. But a year being alone was already hard, to go through another year, and the next, until 2016, I don’t know if I can do this anymore.
OH GOD, WHAT AM I SAYING? It scares me to have such thoughts in my head. But I reckon it’s normal to have these feelings? Do every professional athlete face this dilemma? Or is it only the rowers? Or in fact the single scullers to be more precise? Or maybe it’s just me. 🙁 Is there a “Dummy’s guide to Living a Life as a Single Sculler” book? Maybe I should start writing one. Wah, already being entreprenurial I see. A princess once said, my talent is rare. Use it wisely.
But really. Time to focus, Saiyidah Aisyah Binte Mohamed Rafa’ee. You’re here to get faster on the boat. Who cares if you’re alone or training with a team or if you’re single or married? At the end of the day, you’re going to be the one who is going to carry the Singapore flag at the Olympic Games. It’s your dream. Not anyone else’s dream. So do yourself a favour and shut up and train.
However, looking at the bright side of things, being alone most of the time has given me more chances to sit down and talk to God. It feels good to know that He will never give up on you no matter how ugly the world thinks you are. I am still asking Him what is missing in my life right now, He hasn’t answered me but I am sure the answer will come my way.No, I’m not roping you into being religious now. I’m not saying I’m a very pious person either. But I’m just sharing with you the immense relief off my shoulders as I share with Him what has been happening in my life (although I know that He knows already). Couldn’t have had this opportunity to do so in Singapore where I’m always rushing for meetings and photoshoots and having to be here and there, doing this and that. As much as I want to be home right now, I am so grateful to be here in Sydney right now. Like they say, “Don’t think of the things you don’t get after praying. Thank God for the countless blessings He has given you without asking instead.”
7 weeks to SEARF. 17 weeks to Asian Games. How much I hate counting down to regattas in weeks cuz they make everything seem so soon.
My ribs are getting muchos better, hasnt caused me any problems running, gymming and rowing. Alhamdullilah. But you have no idea how much perseverance and patience it took me to live that 3 weeks without being able to row. You have no idea how painful it is to start right back from square one.
Being a full-time athlete is not all about fun and joy cuz you get to do what you love and you are doing it for the nation. It iis more than just training and doing your best at competitions. Being an athlete is about the times that make you wonder why you’re waking up at 430am to torture yourself, the injuries that make you want to just hang your oars and say goodbye to your sport, the loneliness of having to train and travel alone, all the food in the world thatyou can’t eat beacause of the weight limit that you have to meet, the people back at home you miss so much you wish you can spend more time with but you are just being plain selfish in pursuit of your dreams. Sigh. Our lives are determined by the choices we make. This is the choice I made in my life.
Like how I chose to spend the whole day on 20th April when I turned 26 (bloody hell I’ve crossed the quarter of a centure mark!!!) going for something I’ve never done before in my life like doing a runway catwalk with a wholesome bunch of people like me aka national athletes. (thus, the picture above which has absolutely nothing to do with the title of this blog post).
2014, you’ve been very challenging. But I like the challenge. Bring on some more. *flexes my non-existent biceps* I haven’t won any medals this year. CANT WAIT TO RACE AGAIN.
You see. I’m getting what I want right now; training full-time, having this opportunity to be in this beautiful country again, living with these 2 amazing people who are kind and generous enough to share their home with me, eating really good food, being able to do what I really love- to row. I have access to the gym anytime I want to. I have the endless coastal runs I long for. I have so many races waiting for me to conquer them. So why do I still wake up feeling